Think secrecy makes love sweeter? Think again

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Contrary to popular opinion, having a secret relationship doesn’t fuel love’s flames—in fact, secrecy may do exactly the opposite, new research suggests.

After surveying people in relationships, U.S. investigators found that secrecy may actually quench passions, partly due to the trouble people have to go to in order to keep their feelings a secret.

“It’s Valentine’s Day, and you can’t go out together,” study author Dr. W. Keith Campbell of the University of Georgia in Athens told Reuters Health. 

Having a secret relationship “is a pain, and it’s not very satisfying.”

Other than “Romeo and Juliet,” little evidence exists to suggest that keeping a relationship secret may increase lovers’ attractions to one another, Foster and Campbell write in the journal Personal Relationships.

It’s an important question, they argue, given that people have many reasons to keep relationships secret—for instance, relationships with co-workers and relationships that are interracial, homosexual or inter-religious often require a certain amount of duplicity, the researchers note.

In an interview, Campbell explained that although some research suggests that secrecy may increase a partner’s allure, he and his colleague, Craig A. Foster, suspected otherwise. They reasoned that people who have to keep their love a secret may worry more about disclosing their love, will perhaps have to meet in inconvenient locations or at inconvenient times, and will be unable to attend public functions together.

These added burdens may make the relationship more difficult, which could diminish a partner’s appeal, Campbell noted.

Although previous studies have asked people to recall past relationships they kept secret, no study has looked at the effect of secrecy in ongoing relationships, the researchers note. To investigate, they followed 75 students for 2 weeks, surveying them once per week about whether they were keeping their relationship a secret, and how happy they were with their partners.

The researchers found that, overall, people in secret relationships tended to think less about their partners, be less attracted to them, less distressed by the prospect of breaking up, and less in love than people in non-secret relationships.

During subsequent surveys, the researchers asked 379 students in relationships about their secrecy, and whether their relationships were satisfying or a burden.

They found that secrecy likely worsens relationships because hiding feelings from others is both a burden and unsatisfying.

People don’t keep relationships secret “for fun,” Campbell said. “They do it because they have to.”

He added that people forced into secrecy should try to remember its burden, and if the relationship turns sour, it may not be anyone’s fault. “Be aware that the secrecy is going to lead to problems,” he said.

SOURCE: Personal Relationships, March 2005.

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