Sexual desire is a normal and natural feeling for women and men. However,
sexual desire can change over time, and can increase or decrease depending
on the situation. Although we see couples on the TV and in movies who
seem to have "perfect" love lives, this is rarely the case.
Sexuality, like all aspects of a relationship, takes effort to perfect.
One of the things complicating discussions about sexual issues is that
some people become worried about what is "normal" or "abnormal."
A quick look at the magazine section of your store proves this, as most
magazines have articles about sexual topics. To understand changes in
sex drive, which is called libido in medical terminology, one must understand
that every person, and every couple, has a different level of desire.
Sexual desire often changes in response to outside forces, like stress.
Plus, libido can decrease with certain medical
conditions and by many medications. As with all relationship issues, working
through issues about sexual desire takes close communication. In other
words, good sex first begins outside the bedroom.
There are many ways to
express sexual desire. Many women enjoy cuddling, hand holding, back
rubs, and kissing, for example. These signs of affection can be very
pleasurable. Other women want different kinds of sexual stimulation,
which can include masturbation, oral sex, or intercourse. When both
partners agree on the types of sexual activity that is desirable there
is usually little conflict. However, when one person wants sexual
activity that differs from their partner's wishes, relationship problems
may develop. Sometimes one partner desires sexual activity more often
than the other partner, and this also puts stress on the relationship.
We know that men and women can have differing sex drives. Men and women,
for instance, both have a hormone called testosterone, but this is present
in much higher amounts in men. Women have high amounts of hormones called
estrogen and progesterone.
Testosterone is known to cause facial and body hair and larger muscles,
but it can also cause certain emotions, like aggression and increased
sex drive. Young men, for example, have strong sex drives, most likely
due to the increase in testosterone that occurs at puberty. Perhaps these
hormones lead to many of the differences found between men and women,
but it is probably uncommon that "hormone problems" are the
cause of sexual problems. (More often, it is relationship issues that
decrease sex drive). Men are often stimulated by things like pictures,
watching sexual movies, or looking at women they find attractive. Women,
on the other hand, may become more aroused by words, intimate emotions,
or signs of affection like kissing or close touching. By talking about
these differences each partner can discuss, in a non-threatening manner,
what she or he needs. Often just letting the other partner know what you
would like or what makes you stimulated is an important first step in
working out sexual problems.
Many women remark that movies and TV do not show "normal"
sexual behavior. Since men are often aroused by sex scenes in movies or
in magazines, women may feel that they have to live up to the behavior
found in the media. Real life is almost never as glamorous or
"sensual" as the movies. Sexual encounters in movies are often
more fantasy than fact. Many women can reduce their discomfort about
these issues by discussing them with their partner. A disturbing
situation occurs when one partner tells the other "I wish you were
more like that movie star." This is hurtful and demeaning, and can
damage self-esteem. A better solution is to sit down with your partner
and talk about which things you each can do to improve your sex life.
It's better to say "there are some things I would like to try when
we make love. It would be great if we could do ___________." This
conversation is best held outside the bedroom. It's important not to
threaten or make fun of your partner, who may be shy about discussing
sexual issues. As discussed below, there are a number of books that may
be helpful.
There are a number of situations that can lead to a decrease in sexual
desire. A common saying is that "the brain is the most important
sexual organ," meaning that our emotions play a tremendous role in
our sexual lives. Many couples have learned the hard way that stress can
decrease libido. Stress from one's job, money trouble, sick family
members, marriage problems, and other issues can cause one's sex drive
to decrease dramatically. It is hard to feel desirable and loving when
you are constantly worried about how the bills will be paid. Men and
women respond to stress differently. Women usually notice decreased sex
drive when their lives are stressful, but some men actually use sexual
activity as a way to reduce stress. Understanding each other's needs is
critically important to resolving relationship issues. When a couple
struggles to overcome sexual and other relationship issues, seeing a
counselor may be very helpful.
Other things can cause diminished libido.
For example, childbirth and breastfeeding may lead to vaginal discomfort
and a decrease in estrogen levels.
This may lead to vaginal dryness, making sexual intercourse painful. Furthermore,
women may find themselves in a new role as a busy mother. Even though
the duties of being a new mother can be overwhelming, your children will
someday grow up and leave the home, but your husband will hopefully be
with you forever. It's important to nurture your relationship with your
spouse. Part of this is keeping your sex life healthy. Asking your husband
to share child-care and other duties with you is one method of reducing
stress. Heart disease can lead to fear of exertion. Depression can make
all activity, especially sex, difficult. Medications, like some antidepressants
and many blood pressure pills, can lead to lower sex drives. As with all
medical conditions, your doctor can help you determine if your medical
history or medications are causing problems with your sex life. When women
go through "the change," called menopause, they may lose interest
in sex. Sometimes this is due to vaginal dryness or decreasing levels
of estrogen and progesterone. Many women have a good response to small
doses of hormones, called hormone replacement therapy. In addition, some
women note increased libido when small amounts of testosterone are added.
However, testosterone is not a "cure all" for decreased sex
drive, and it can have side effects, such as unwanted hair growth. As
with all medications, it's best to talk with your health care provider
about this. Doctors and other health care professionals are used to talking
about private issues like sex, so there is no need to feel embarrassed
or ashamed.
As mentioned before, men and women have different sexual needs and
responses. Women do not automatically experience orgasm, and it usually
takes more effort for women to experience orgasm. There are many myths
about female orgasm, but the truth is that most women cannot have an
orgasm by intercourse alone- they need manual or oral stimulation of the
clitoris. The clitoris is the small, round "bump" on the very
top of the genital organs that is super sensitive to touch. As a society
we do not do a good job of teaching children and young adults about
sexuality, so some men (and women) may not understand the female sexual
response. You may have to teach your partner how to please you sexually.
It is important to remember that we are each responsible for our own
sexual pleasure. It may be hard at first to show your partner what you
like, but it is very likely that he will appreciate this and find it
arousing. Women may become discouraged or frustrated if they are not
achieving arousal or orgasm with their partner. If this happens, talking
with your partner about the things you like "in bed" will help
a lot. Again, it is likely that your partner will be happy you talked
about this issue.
Sexual relations should be a time to share, care and enjoy each other,
at a time and place agreeable to both partners. Partners must talk with
each other, and plan to enjoy the time together. Then, sexual desire
should not be a problem for the couple. A long and happy relationship
takes commitment from both partners to keep it exciting and interesting.
Once person cannot do it all. If talking does not help as much as you
thought it would, consider reading one of the books listed below, or
talking with your health care provider, a counselor, psychologist, or
psychiatrist, who can help you work through sexual issues.
[A M N News Online]
Last Revised at December 6, 2007 by Amalia K. Gagarina, M.S., R.D.
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