Coping with the loss of a loved one

There are no words to describe the feelings you experience when you learn about the suicide of a loved one. The initial reaction usually is one of total disbelief and then horror. Devastation would be an understatement.

Then comes the stage where you play memories over and over in your head, in some sort of attempt to find a reason behind it all, until the memories seem to haunt you. Often left with no explanation or closure for the devastating grief you feel, you struggle to try to make some shred of sense of it all.

According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, it is estimated that for every suicide at least six other people are intimately affected and left to survive the terrible loss. These survivors are often left stunned and troubled by the powerful reactions they experience, which include:*

• Shock is often the immediate reaction to suicide, along with a physical and emotional numbness. These are ways of temporarily screening out the pain so it can be experienced in smaller, more manageable steps.
  
• Depression may appear as disturbed sleep, fatigue, inability to concentrate, change in appetite, and the feeling that nothing can make life worth living.
  
• Anger may be part of the grief response, whether directed towards the deceased, another family member, a therapist, or oneself.
  
• Relief may be part of the reaction when the suicide followed a long decline into self-destructive behaviour and mental anguish.
  
• Guilt often surfaces as the feeling: "If only I had done ..., If only I had said or not said..."
  
• Why? Many survivors struggle long and hard with this question.
  

These feelings usually diminish over the years, although some residual feelings may remain unresolved. It is usually crucial for those surviving the suicide of a loved one to get treatment of some kind and to learn coping skills early on, so they can begin to heal.

There are also a number of things that are important to remember. Recognising how best to accommodate and cope with these feelings can help you advance the healing process:

• Maintaining contact with other people is especially important in the stress-filled months after a loved one's suicide. Friends and relatives may feel uncomfortable and unable to offer consolation. Take the initiative to talk about the suicide and ask for their help; it will also help them.
  
• When you feel ready, share with your family and friends your feelings of loss and pain. Understand that each family member may be grieving in his or her own way.