Recovery from grief and loss

Poorly resolved grief has many causes. Its origins are often in childhood. We may have had parents who were unable to grieve normally, and were unable to be good models for healthy grieving. We may have received explicit or covert messages from our families or culture that expressions of grief were unacceptable. If adults did not talk to us after a loss, we were left with the message, "Grieve alone."

We may have suffered traumatic events that made it impossible for us to have normal emotional functioning. Not only are we then left with unresolved feelings about the losses of childhood and adolescence, but we carry poor grieving patterns with us into adulthood.

Many of us suffered the loss of a loved one in a way that was traumatic, stigmatized, or unexpected. We may have been present when these deaths occurred. Perhaps we suffered several losses in a short period of time. Important facts concerning the cause and circumstances of the loss may be unknown to us. These factors make the mourning process much more difficult.

Some of us suffered for years from depression, chemical addiction, or patterns of compulsive behavior. These illnesses made it impossible for us to grieve losses we suffered during these periods. Moreover, chronic mental illness or addiction themselves cause enormous losses - loss of years of our lives, loss of personality and self-respect.

We did not choose the conditions that made it more difficult for us to grieve. Although grievers are often negatively judged - "What's wrong with you? Why can't you snap out of it and get on with your life?" - these judgments are invalid and abusive. As children and as adults, our culture and most of our families bombard us with the message, "Don't grieve."

Within a support group we create a place where it is safe to grieve. We maintain confidentiality, and we are not competitive about our losses or about our recovery. As we listen to others struggle with their grief, we see that we are not alone. We can begin to identify the factors that cause us to suffer unresolved grief.

An important step in recovery from accumulated grief is to prepare a chronological list, with approximate dates, of our loss histories. There are no rules about what to put on the list; it may include the births and deaths of important people in our lives, changes of schools and residences, divorces and separations, physical and mental illnesses suffered by ourselves or family members, traumatic events, losses of occupations or activities, loss of childhood, youth, innocence, or trust, periods of addictive or compulsive behaviors, periods of institutionalization, and changes in social or economic status. You may wish to revisit places from your past, or make efforts to obtain photographs or information. There are no rules about when to prepare this list; you can do it when you feel you are ready to do it. (The recently bereaved are not in delayed grief or unresolved grief. It is normal to suffer pain after a severe loss. There are no rules for how long "normal" grief lasts, since it varies by individual, type of loss, and relationship to the deceased. The griefwork program described here is designed for the not-recently bereaved.)